Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

* The following post was never meant to be posted. I thought I had saved it as a draft. It is my mindless rambling. Writing is my way of working things out in my head. I was not feeling so great about stuff last night and I wrote it down to get rid of it, and I acidently shared. Since it is already out here, I'll just let it be, but I should add, this morning I was back in a better place, and the first thing I did was submit samples of my artwork to a new market. (Added at 12:06 pm--and then I went crazy and submitted artwork to 9 more markets, and I am now sending pleas out to the powers that be to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let someone respond favorably to my work!) I don't have all the answers, I don't think I ever will, but I have learned that action silences that monster named Fear. As soon as you do the thing you are most afraid to do it shuts up and leaves you alone.

I feel like such a fraud at times. Sometimes I feel like I am playing a game of make believe. That if I say I am a writer and an artist enough times that I will suddenly become an artist and writer. On the inside it isn't working. To me my work is amateur, and if I feel this way then how can anyone else possibly believe in me? How can I change this? How can I believe in myself? I'm sure it is this lack of belief in myself that is holding me back, and I so wish I could change it, but I don't know how.

There is so much that I don't know. So much that I need to learn and I am finding it more and more difficult to find the answers. Everything is such a mumble jumbled mess in my mind that I don't feel like I'll ever straighten it all out.

There are so many times that I just want to give this up and run back to the easy way. But then I remember how hard it was there. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't this way, didn't want more for myself. Some times I wish that I could just be satisfied with what the world calls normal. That would make things easy.

I go through so many phases and so many ups and downs. At times I am so happy and so absolutely sure of myself. I can see myself successful, and I feel so confident and self assured, almost cocky, and then it all comes crashing down and I am confused and full of doubt and wonder what the hell I ever got myself into.

Will this ever change? Will I ever be able to stay up and confident? Or will fear and self doubt always be there to slap me back in my place when I try to break free? What is it going to take for this to change? Nothing has worked so far.

Last week I was so bold and brave. "I'm going to write books," I said. I guess the helium drained from my balloon, 'cause I'm sitting here now feeling so foolish for making such a huge statement. I don't even have an idea what to write about. I don't feel brave any more. I am scared. I am full of doubt. I am trying to reach for all the things I have learned this year about going after your dreams, following your heart, getting past the fear, but at the moment they are just out of my reach and I know I have to jump to get them but the self doubt has made my feet feel like they are made of lead and I can't take the leap I know I need to jump in order to fly. I can't. I'm scared. I am so afraid that my wings aren't going to work and that I am going to fall flat on my face. I need faith. I need courage. I need help.

posted by Kelly @ 7/27/2004 09:16:00 PM

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