Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

It's one of those days. The kind of day that someone on the outside looking in would say I'm being lazy. Four months ago I would have agreed. I'm glad I know better now.

Today I am resting, but I am also thinking, reading and preparing for tomorrow. Tomorrow might be the day that it comes all together and I write everything that needs to be written. Today is not that day, or it is not yet, maybe it will be later. I have been more accepting of that. A few weeks ago if I spent 6 hours not being able to write I would have panicked, if I decided to take a nap I would have felt guilty, and if the only thing I read was someone else's blog I would have felt very unproductive. Today doing all of those things makes me feel like I have changed for the better.

Not being able to write for six hours is not a big deal. It only means I need to think a little more. Taking a nap is nothing to feel guilty about, it means I need a rest. And, some of the journals I read are far better than some books I've read, and I have never considered reading a book unproductive. I really like reading about others. I like getting a glimpse of how other people live. It is interesting and entertaining. The characters seem so real because they are real. I have learned so much from these people. I have learned a lot about myself.

Having a website and an online journal were very important to me, but I couldn't figure out why, but I think I am beginning to understand. I want to feel connected to others. Yesterday I said that I write for myself. I do, but I feel real joy when someone else gets what I've said, when they understand it, are inspired by it or helped by it or just feel happy because I wrote it. I like to help people and make people happy. I feel selfish though because I'm the one who wins in the end. I am the one who is happy.

Yesterday, Brigett (a stranger to me) wrote something that made me feel terrific, "You are so full of good cheer! I will enjoy reading your blog. Keep writing!!!" This really made me think. My first thought was, oh no, I don't want to give people the wrong impression. I don't want people to think everything is just roses and good. Because believe me, I am human and I have some really bad days. I like me much better when I am nice, and most of the time that really is the way I am, but I have it in me to be a B**** when I want to be (my husband and children and that poor deli lady at the grocery store are screaming in agreement right now). Then I thought about it and realized that when I write I am being the person that I want to be. I want to be nice. I want to be inspiring. I want to be helpful. And these are not bad things to want to be. So forgive me if I seem like Pollyanna sometimes, and forgive me on the days I don't!

posted by Kelly @ 1/06/2004 12:43:00 PM

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