Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Monday, November 24, 2003

Nov. 24, 2003

When I was young, not having money bothered me. I always felt different because I was one of the "have nots". I acted like it didn't bother me, but it did. I had a great childhood even though we didn't have a lot of money, and looking back I know had much more than I thought I did. But those feelings of being inferior are still with me sometimes. When good things happen to me, I tend to question why because I don't feel worthy. I also over question things if I don't get a response, and fear the worse. In my mind if someone doesn't compliment my work or respond it means they don't like it. When I think rationally about it I know this isn't true, but that's my initial reaction. I need to start believing in my work. I am sabotaging myself with my current thinking.

I thought about this because it was brought to my attention that I let the past block my present and future, and that I hold on to the past too much and don't learn from my mistakes. I didn't believe this until I looked through some old journals.

On May 14, 2001 I wrote, "Why am I stuck in this rut? I keep doing the same thing over and over . It is getting old. I need to escape this pattern of behavior. I need to become a doer not a talker but I don't know how to go about it."

I was talking about becoming a writer. Then I didn't write until June 25, 2001, but it sounded the same, "Same old pattern once again. When am I going to learn? I go all out then STOP-total stand still. Then I wonder why nothing comes to me. I have to change this behavior. I am good enough. I have good creative ideas. I can do anything I put my mind to. I must let go of my fear of failure. Worst case-people don't like what I've done. SO WHAT? If I like what I've done, it really doesn't matter. If I write a book and no one likes it, I really haven't failed have I? No, because I wrote a book. A whole book. Not everyone can say that! I really think this is what I need to work on first. Setting goals and following through."

Imagine what could have been created by now if I had started then!

I am not going to keep letting this hold me back. I know that it won't be always be easy, but I will work hard to stop doubting myself. I will keep reminding myself that I can do this. I am good enough and I have and will continue to produce great work..

Note to self: On the bad days, re-read all the nice things people have said about you and your work.

posted by Kelly @ 11/24/2003 01:41:00 PM

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